I’ve got a threadbare heart, and I can’t sew.
For all it’s been through, I’ve got so little to show.
My leaps to euphoria and falls back into pessimism,
Pumping blood through my veins to say “you’re alive”,
Have worn down the strings that hold all of me –
All the pieces of me – all together, as one complete being.
It’s just patchwork now – something old, something new,
So much borrowed, and the many things I outgrew.
There’s no whitespace left. No clean slates to be found.
There’s just layers, layers, layers… a past, accumulated.
It’s been tugged at, strings fraying, snapping loose,
And parts have been torn away – replaced hastily,
The messy substitution at home in the compilation.
So I hide it away, wrapped carefully in red silk,
A fragile attempt to conceal the mismatched pieces below,
Worn down odds and ends clinging desperately together.
How easy it is to forget the beauty of a threadbare heart.
The one that is used so much, so often, and so fully,
That it can never be mended quickly enough.
While there is pain to be found in the endings,
Abrupt as the snapping of those once-strong ties,
Each loss is a new home for a new piece,
The latest scrap to enter the fray of my clumsy,
Inelegant, uncouth, yet authentic heart pastiche.
So while I still cannot sew – much less fast enough,
Or well enough to keep up with the wear
That results as proof that I am using it –
My heart, though worn down from use
(Preferable to being untouched, I believe)
And though threadbare, is still whole…
I wrote this probably about 2ish weeks ago, when I was up late unable to sleep because I was so exhausted – ironic, right? Made the mistake of hopping onto social media. It was incredibly depressing. Right now it’s flooded with things about US politics (while I’m not in the US, I have friends there), the damage from Hurricane Matthew, and stories about the terrifying clown appearances that are cropping up more and more.
I made the mistake of opening my Facebook messages inbox, only to find tons of unread messages, a lot of which just idle chatter. Idle chatter kind of exhausts me. I sometimes get so tired of all things people-related that even answering a Facebook message, Twitter tweet, or comment on the anime blog I’m on feels like too much work.
The thing with having a “threadbare heart” , representative of one that’s used lots and not necessarily always gently, is that sometimes people think you’re being cold or distant because sometimes you’re just too exhausted to really listen in, or really care, or really give your attention to something that feels trivial to you. That’s not for lack of empathy, nor is it because you’re a cold or uncaring person. With some people, that’s certainly the case. However, I find it’s just as often the case that people just have a threadbare heart. They’ve been living and loving so forcefully and passionately that they can never quite keep up with themselves and the energy and effort they put into bettering not only their life, but the lives of those around them.
So when I get down on myself and beat myself up over really, truly not being able to get excited for someone who went out to eat, or feel sorry for someone who’s complaining about something I see as only kinda’ bad and rather trivial (e.g. frizzy hair because it rained), I try to remember that it’s okay. I’m so invested in so many people already, and typically only in bigger, truly important things (e.g. friends getting married, or friends not being able to find a job), that I’m often at my limit for the emotional input and output I can handle that day. That’s not because I’m a bad person, or I don’t care – it’s just because in many cases, I care too much, and sometimes I just need to step back and disconnect for a bit – patch up my heart – before I can go back to being so deeply invested that things get torn and worn down again.
Having a “threadbare heart” is not a sign of not loving enough, or of being cruel – it’s a sign of having loved too much and too deeply for too long. So much so that it’s all you can do to keep it patched up so you can continue to love.